Protected: Realizations

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BOOM!

What twisted, sorted lives we lead, such tangled, crooked webs we weave. We work so hard to make it seem alright but really we are screaming inside.  Heads will roll and hearts will bleed. So many lies we train ourselves to believe.

Through rose colored glass the world seems great but the truth is it’s all just shades of grey. Addictions, lust, pride, rage. Souls entrapped in a lightless cage. Good intentions don’t go far. Hearts are battered, wounded, scared.

We do exactly what we please and work quite hard to make it seem, we’re doing what is right and good, all the things we know we should. We dot our I’s and cross our T’s and hope no one can really see how screwed up we truly are. Keeping judges far away too afraid of what they’ll say.

 Actions rooted in selfish desire. Pursuit of things that are not best. Driven by a nature that will not rest. 

We keep up appearances. Gotta do what it takes… do whatever it takes to save our face. Out of sight out of mind. Just try to act like everything is fine. Very cautious to cover our tracks. C.Y.A. and watch your back.

What’s it matter anyway? Everyone else is too busy doing to the same.  So just shrug it off. Do what you gotta do. Justify it because everyone else does it too. 

Patch those holes with dynamite, light the fuse and hold on tight. Pretty soon it’ll all come crashing down. The pieces of your life scattered all around. Until then you’ll say I just want to have fun but the question is…

BOOM! Will you be able to live with the damage you have done?

 

 

I wrote this today.  I’m tired of the facade. I tired of worrying what other people think and trying to chose what I’ll do based on what they might/will think. At the same time though I can’t seem to kick the habit of worrying what other people will think. It’s natural. We’re wired that way…to care what other people think. I’m just tired of trying to consider all the ways everything I do will be perceived. I’m so tired of choosing what I “should” do ( I say should loosely because while some things are obviously not okay i.e. murder…other things are really just a matter preference) over what I want to do. I started writing this out of my weariness with fitting into what is acceptable and trying so hard to be what is typical and expected instead of who I really am. The rest just kind of came to me…

So, I’ve started choosing what I want instead trying to live up to the standard everyone expects (out of  everyone else except themselves it seems in so many instances.) My first choice…I got my nose re-pierced. This is the 4th time…1st time I was 16 and my mom said take it out or give me your car keys…I took it out. Time # 2 I was @ Harding University and they don’t allow facial piercing…so I wore a piece of fishing line in it around campus…but I was asked to take it out or go to the dean…so I took it out. Third times a charm right? Wrong…Pregnancy with my son caused my body to reject metal. My watch, rings…everything including the nose stud had to come off/out. So now after 10 long years of trying to have my nose pierced I do again. I’m not anticipating any more children, my employer doesn’t have a problem with it…actually the only person who does is my mother and all I can say about that…    some things never change but she can’t have my car keys this time  

I’ve just got to be me no matter how strange to you that may seem. 

-a chunk of clay…with one more hole than yesterday

 

(I can’t seem to not rhyme today, just seems to keep coming out that way.)

Irony

I took my vitamin with my diet coke today

Jane Eyre

I’ve just finished reading this classic book and I feel as though I should give a book report of sorts (side note-I managed to make it through 4 years of high school English classes and not read any of the required books but still pass. There was a time this was something I was rather proud of. Feeling like I had outsmarted the system but I now realize I really missed out and am taking it upon myself to read some of these literary classics) Hopefully recapping these details and the feelings associated with them will help me remember this wonderful story well enough to recall the details if need be when I finally find myself a student again. So onto my “report”

I really enjoyed this book. I identified with Jane in the beginning of the book. I was experiencing a similar personality to Mrs. Reed in my own life. A person who couldn’t be pleased no matter what you did or how hard you tried and on some occasions extra effort was rewarded with extra correction. Identifying with Jane helped to draw me into the story. I was outraged that Mrs. Reed locked Jane into the red room and then extended her stay there to the point a physician was required- Oh, but not a physician those were only for Mrs. Reed and her “little angels”  it was an apothecary for Jane. I was very excited for her to get away from Mrs. Reed and go to Lowood.  My heart fell into when Mr. Brocklehurst stood her upon the stool and announced she was a liar basing his information solely on the word of Mrs. Reed. This event seemingly ruined her reputation and chance to start fresh. But Helen and Ms. Temple stood by her and that was something that gave me hope for her. Once Mrs. Temple verified the accusations were false she publicly cleared Jane. This justice was sweet and satisfying!  When Helen passed in Jane’s unknowing arms I felt sadness and peace…there was no place else Helen would have rather been- with the exception of where she ended up- with her Master and LORD. The rest of Jane’s account of her time at Lowood seems vague to me. I think that may be because after Helen’s passing there weren’t too many notable details until she advertised herself and was employed in the service of Mr. Rochester. From this point in the story onward I couldn’t stop reading unless the lids of my eyes were shut. Love, tragedy and victory all wrapped into one tale with such a brief but wonderful conclusion. Jane and Mr. Rochester fell in love and I was taken a back. I was not expecting him to go for her. I was fully convinced right along with Jane that he would marry Ms. Blanche Ingram. To my surprise and hers he was only trying to make Jane jealous but I am not completely sure he succeeded because she loved him so truly she wanted happiness for him and was at peace with the notion that his happiness was found with Ms. Ingram. at this point Jane set off to visit the Dying Mrs., Reed and was gone for quite a while. Upon her return Mr. Rochester took her to see the new coach purchased for his bride to be. Jane assumed he meant Blanche but she soon found out this was not the case. Her absence made his heart grow even fonder. Mr. Rochester’s heart lain elsewhere he asked Jane to be his bride. What a proposal in the orchard while it rained and yet they didn’t care because their true hearts where finally know to the other. How wonderfully romantic! The wedding preparation began. When they made it all the way to the alter, I was convinced they would be man and wife by that day’s end. Unfortunately, I was wrong and the underlying mystery was revealed. The midnight fire that Jane saved Mr. Rochester from and the very scary vision Jane saw on her wedding day were unveiled at once and at the same moment the plan of their marriage was dissolved.  Mr. Rochester already had a wife- a mad woman kept locked in the attic but nevertheless, legally a living breathing wife whom he was bound to until death. I was so saddened by this. I must confess that if I been in the same situation I would have stayed with my love in spite of the mad woman and possible opinions. But Jane didn’t do that. She was more noble than I. She snuck away in the middle of the night only to spend four days starving and begging. Finally the Rivers family took her in. Mr. St. John Rivers, Diana and Mary, all siblings, took Jane in and nursed her back to health. St. John found her employment as a headmistress of the local school for girls. She was back on her feet. I was glad for it but still held the wish that she might have stayed with Mr. Rochester. My wishes aside I, along with Jane, discovered that Her uncle had passed and left her 20,000 pounds along with that discovery was the fact that the Rivers’ were Jane’s cousins! Jane’s uncle John was also their Uncle John. He was the brother of Jane’s father and St. John, Diana and Mary’s mother. A feud between Uncle John and the River’s mother excluded them from the inheritance. Feud aside Jane saw it fit that the 20,000 should be split 4 ways between them. She was so glad to have kin. She left her duties at the school and moved to Moohr House- the River’s residence. Where she resided until St. John asked her to marry him, not for love but because he had watched her over the past 10 months and thought she would be an excellent missionaries wife. Jane would not have it- she had tasted true love and would settle for nothing before she would settle for a loveless marriage. She set off to find her way back to Mr. Rochester. Upon reaching Thornfield Hall she found it in ruin after a terrible fire. After some investigation she determined Mr. Rochester was alive but blind and without one of his hands. There was only one fatality in the fire…Bertha, Mr. Rochester’s mad wife. He was a free man! She found out his location and went there at once. After some time to adjust to the fact that she was truly there and not some figment of his imagination He again asked for her hand in marriage and they were married a few days later. Jane brought Adele home from school and found a more suitable institution for her that was close enough for visits. Mr. Rochester regained vision in one eye- not complete but enough to be independent. It was also enough to see his first born child! St. John went off into the mission field and gave his life for the cause. Although he was angered by Jane’s rejection of his proposal he continued to write her often. Diana and Mary married and came to visit every other year. On the off years the Rochester’s want to visit them.  How great a life Jane ended up with. A wealthy husband whom she actually loved quite well, a child of her own and an inheritance which brought into light kin she knew nothing of prior and best of all peace that she had done all she could to stay within God’s will in spite of her cousin St. John’s thoughts on the matter.

The mention of religious belief was interesting. I was not surprised by the legalism and hell fire and brimstone mentality but I did find it frustrating. I was especially frustrated by St. Johns attempt to tell Jane that if she rejected his proposal of marriage it was not him she rejected but God and God’s will. Religion has always been used to control people. It seemed only the religiously elite were afforded the luxury of actual spirituality and theology. The characters in this story all managed to have at the very least some small bit of faith. I wonder if it was more so out of their fear of hell or the realization of their need for God. I guess there really isn’t an answer for the characters in this story but it is not a question I haven’t wondered of real people as well…I am glad it is not my job to judge the hearts of men.

I read in the preface there were some thoughts that this book included a feministic theme. I failed to fully see it but think my oversight is partially due to the rights and privileges I consider normal that were at one time disallowed for women.

I am somewhat saddened that I have finished Jane Eyre. The story was quite captivating. I very much enjoyed my time spend reading it and am sure I will start on a new story very soon.

Long time no post

First, for those who read the now password protected posts before I put the password on…that situation is getting better. There are still moments I am frustrated or hurt by the situation but we are slowly moving on.

I must admit that I have become very antisocial… partially due to the wounds of the previous year and partially b/c of life changes that make time more of a commodity that is in short supply. I am working full time now and most of the church family we are a part of is 40 minutes away. I am also trying my best to be healthy and since I need to loose some weight there are trips to the gym which take up time.
As a result I am without close intimate friendships. It is very hard to be in this place and at the same time I have become so busy I easily forget my frustration. I’ve let the hurt effect me in ways I wish I hadn’t but I am not sure I could have helped. I think I need to guard myself and let God heal me…. Time doesn’t heal all wounds…GOD does…sometimes it just takes a little time!

I am beginning to branch out and be social again. Sunday I signed up to help with Children’s Church. Something I was very active in with our previous church experience It’s been a year since we left that place in a very awkward and hurtful situation and I’ve watched from a distance several changes take place. I saw the dynamics and leadership change completly. I am glad for God’s grace!

Although I’ve shown a lot of hesitation and complained a lot about our church family being so far away I have now resolved that I can be a part of the community there. Maybe not as often as I would like physically but that doesn’t mean I can’t connect with the people of Grace Crossing spiritually, emotionally and psychologicaly…it won’t come easily but the best things rarely do…

So we move forward with the hope of better days to come…

Password Protected

Some of my posts are now password protected. I did this out of love and respect for my husband because he let me know he didn’t like what is written in them being available to the general public. Just thought I’d let anyone who might care know what the deal is. Thanks for reading.

Protected: Healing continued

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Protected: healing is happening…

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Protected: This is so stinkin’ hard!!!

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i Tunes Suvey

REALLY FREAKY…Just went back and read my i tunes survey and in light of the events in the last post it’s a little disturbing how accurate my i tunes was. Just thought I’d share.